The taillights flickered as I walked by in the parking lot. Unconcerned. Waiting for my car to beep as I pressed the remote, until I stopped to realize this was, in fact, my car. Dead battery. Not enough left to light the dashboard. So I ask myself …
Why now God, why now?
Frustration casts a deceptively large shadow.
There was so much to love about today! The banquet planning team did an incredible job keeping up a natural flow of things, pulling off their theme quite well, and keeping us entetained. They outdid themselves in decorations, in preparation, and most definitely in love, it overflowed into the whole night.
I loved today’s conversations, and having the whole family together for once! I loved the pictures, that I wouldn’t have felt comfortable taking just a year ago. I loved the music, and I’m pretty damn sure I nailed that glissando towards the end of that night. These graduation banquets seem to creep up on us so quickly, catching us unaware and throwing us into reminiscence. There’s not much I would change, yet I still try so hard to relive.
Since when did frustration take our emotions captive?
In these moments it weighs so much. Hold fast your frustration, sink, and cry out, because the sea wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wanted fresh air every breath, I wanted comfort when I sought it. I wanted something to look forward to. God tells us again and again to hold onto him, that he is the way, that suffering is in his name, that he has a plan. Our God, the Universal charger, omnipresent and omni-buoyant. Hehe. Omni-buoyant.
Short and simple.
I will not leave you or forsake you. – Joshua 1:5
When, along the way, did we forget?
I feel so ill-prepared for next term! This term has been so great that I don’t want things to be different. I don’t want to be overwhelmed by the combination of my most difficult academic school year, and the pressures of leading in our fellowship. But God never seems to give us the easy way out, and for my sake I can only hope that I learn to cherish what I do not want.
And life goes on. We’re allowed to sulk for a bit but nothing past the point of doubt or despair. One of the upper years came to help me replace my battery this afternoon so I’m glad that’s all over, and a couple friends kept me company for our adventure to Canadian Tire. Not a bad morning!
So God answers my question. Out of all the times you could’ve picked to break me down, why now God, why not earlier? You do you, Jesus, you do you.